So far my classes are easy. Actually fun I could say without refrain. What with my two art classes where I'm learning how to draw LINES...and my philosophy class where I've come to realize Plato was smart, but hey he IS actually human. Not God for sure. I thought maybe he'd appear pretty close to God on a level of magnificence but ahhaha not even a smidgen. And Women in Society is depressingly enlightening by helping me discover so much of my motive when I'm "getting pretty" each morning is because of the world's decision that we, as women, should wake up each day with the main goal of pleasing men, most blatently by wearing that which leaves NO MYSTERY to whats under our clothes or at least looking exceptionally beautiful every day...I can't imagine a morning that I dressed without at least an inkling of NEEDING to look positively attractive. On days that I "failed" (in my own book) I was not at all content with myself. Thanks world! Wondering......what God wants me to think as I dress in the morning??
My other classes not really worth mentioning.
But...like I said, college is hard. Its hard because each day I wake up to making coffee for myself...and NO ONE ELSE. And I generally walk to class with NO ONE ELSE. And well when I want a hug...when I need a hug...The truth is I can have coffee with a friend and the instant I walk out the door the first thing that hits me is that I am alone. When I was in highschool I could walk alone and for some reason never felt it. I felt independant and at the same time I often felt I was walking with God. But here, its like I'm starting from square one. I'm questioning EVERYTHING and the first thing is 'Is there something wrong with me because I'm so often alone'? I'm an introvert. I'm generally antisocial. I'm in college! I feel as if my lack of pursuing constant attention from anyone is being thrown in my face. Even now, I sit typing this to NO ONE and I am interrupted over and over by the people outside my windown having FUN. What do I do with that? Should I take that step and try to have fun? Or should I accept the way I desire to spend my time? I feel safe when I am alone. Though I do not feel happy. No one can judge me when I'm alone. I don't see prettier girls than me that make me feel bad about myself when I'm alone. But I feel ALONE. I know that is not as God intended.
My dad said its normal to feel alone when I'm starting college. It is a big step. I'm curious to find out when this lonliness and self doubt decides to dip.
For now I'll pray that God smothers my cynical mentality with the rain and the flowers and maybe even a real hug.
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you are not writing this to NO ONE! i try to check this site to see if there's anything that you aren't expressing! and I'm right across the field whenever you need a friend to go get soy creamer or go downtown or get you super troopers and eternal sunshine of a spotless mind! i don't judge you (well jokingly you softball player but not seriously)! so you if you feel alone and don't want to be you can text me or send me a pigeon or however you want to communicate to me!
ReplyDeleteoscar. you are exceptional. i am so blessed to have a friend like you. you don't know how much that means! i will definately keep in mind that you are always close by. it is a great comfort. thankyou friend. :DDD
ReplyDeletehey :D
ReplyDeletewhen i read your blog i just wanted to give you a long hug!
I know how it feels when it's your first year of college. I felt the same way my first year. I felt alone even though i was social. I wanted to meet good, loyal, lasting new friends, but going to a community college for a year was difficult. Everyone was in their own little world, busy with life. But you see, what helped me was reading my Bible during my free time. I didn't feel alone at all, God comforted me through His words. So throughout the day i felt comforted by a friend all the time. I have to say now, looking back it was a good experience not to rely on others or myself for comfort rather cling to God and his word.
You're not alone!