I forgot about this blog.
I forgot about this outlet.
I was reminded :D.
Life's been so new, so raw, so damn hard and so epicly beautiful.
Bittersweet is my life. No better word to describe it.
Ahhh...and as I'm writing this, I've been interrupted. Let me share that my Grandmama is the most magnificent person I know. It is so true that beauty grows with time. Any time with her is always a little dose of heaven, of God's sweet love, of life as it should be. She just interrupted me to ask if there is anything she can do for me. Nobody does that. But thats what God intended for us. He made us so that He could say "Hey, my love, is there anything I can do for you?" "Is there any way I can love you more?" He sure knows the answer, but a persistent gentlemen He is. I guess I am just reminded of love as God intended when I'm blessed with my Grandmama's presence. I wish I could share her with the world. I know everyone would feel better. Even in this relationship I am reminded to, indeed, appreciate the gift, but acknowledge the giver. God made my Grandmama...how can that not be a testament to His awesome character, to His pure love, and to His desire to simply bless us.
But back to bittersweet, I suppose.
I'll start with the bad news and end with the good, eh?
So BITTTERRRR...
Since the last post my life seems to have crumbled. My parents, since about a couple weeks ago, are officially divorced. Though I always felt as if our home was blantantly broken, the making official of a divided home sucks a hunk of spirit out of me. One of my biggest fears has been formed by the "in my face awareness" that divorce happens to people that think they're following God's will. My parents got married, one for fear of being alone, and the other because of a sign that looked like God saying, "She's the one", and ignoring all the "No" signs after. It took 20 years to end something that I wish never started. I was born though, which is fun I guess. And my beautiful brother too...so divorce is the beginning of this story.
Believe it or not, it gets suckier...my dad reunited with the love of his life from college and within a couple months of dating is certain they will be married and heavely considering moving to flipping North Carolina. Yes, North Carolina. The EAST COAST. What, like 2000 miles away from his son and daughter...Good thing they granted me a guest room which pretty much indirectly says I am welcome, but it will never be my home. And I see no acknowledgement of sacrifice of me and Zach (my brother) in my father's new plans...ya bitter fits. So divorced parents, rejected by my Dad, and even more so feeling straight up replaced by his girlfriend's two kids. They're a few years younger than me so they need him more...So I am second. Or so it seems. So it feels for sure.
That being said you can assume miss Debbie Downer is a bit bitter.
Don't forget the growing anger towards her mother for sucking at being a mother. Literally, every psychology class I attend reveals more of what my mom was supposed to provide and DIDN'T. Which only emphasizes how much work I need to do on myself to correct all that was molded wrong in me. The biggest struggle I have been tackling now for years is my absolute lack of self worth. Until about a couple months ago I couldn't even register what "believing I mattered" looked like.
(Though I painted such a hopeless picture of my life I want to say that God is slowly growing me in grace and understanding towards both my parents. I can't say they are my favorite people right now but God has started this journey for me and I ask for prayer to keep moving forward in that.)
And I think this is where the SWEET joins the party.
I just recently learned how ones comes to truly adopt and live in the truth that they are significant. Its not in the skills they come to acquire, in the personality that draws everyones attention, or in the way they help others. No our self worth is learned through knowing God's character. It may seem simple to "know God's character", but after just learning an epic smidgen of His heart shows me how much I really didn't know. When I used to think of God I thought, well this guy that everyone revels about, that apparently knows my pain??, that could control anything that He wanted, and that loves us I guess. For a while He was the guy I ran to when I felt terrible and shared my heart with because I had been told He was listening. While all of those things are true, I did not fully believe any of them, nor know anything about the emotions that God felt towards me. Let me attempt to share what I've learned about God's sweet character. He made me so that He could love me. He took time and formed ME so that He could do nothing other than LOVE ME. And that is true of all His children. Its incomprehendable until you know that He is not inhibited by time. :D I learned that He created the Universe, all its ins and outs. God made flowers. Sweet, dainty, glorious flowers that smell good and make life more pleasant. He crafted those for little girls to put in their hair and husbands to give to their wives and widows and plant in their garden because flowers remind them of love. Every stinkin detail in nature, in humans, in the universe, in music, in the sun and the rain, He made that. Is He not the coolest artist there is? He made our crazy brains? He formed us in a way that allowed us to dream, to dance, to sing, to giggle, to love, and to cry because He knew the sadness would come. His creation is like the coolest care package you will ever get. Its a gift. Filled with beautiful people, experiences that leave us breathless, and really good coffee. God's got all the love languages, His gifts have most recently impacted me. Especially the people He's put in my life. Another gift is the Bible. Its like this story He wrote and gave to us and said "Hey, theres a lot to know, but if you want to know me you can read this." He wants us to know Him because He is fully aware of how awesome He is too. Because He's waiting for us to answer His question "Hey, my love, is there anything I can do for you?" But God knows that we have pain that flowers won't heal. Pain that fathers, brothers, best friends, and lovers can't heal. Jesus willingly experienced every aspect of pain, the whole scale, the worst of it. That is what makes me trust Him most. I can come to Him and He will say "I know honey, I was there. I know that pain. It hurts doesn't it." He will do that for us, He wants to. He wants so badly for us to let Him. For me to know Him in this light is how I've come to see how much I matter and why. Its the why thats humbling and sweet and right and true. I've been so thankful for God revealing these truths to me.
So sweet.
I recently came upon an idea that is totally poetic and frilly but I think its pretty real. Its brought me great comfort. More often than not my heart has been sorrowful. Sunny days always felt like the world trying to ignore my pain or tell me its not important. I've always hated sunny days. Rainy days, on the other hand, always so richly felt like all the angels in heaven crying with me. Rainy days was God saying "My girl, let me cry with you. My heart breaks when your heart breaks." That is true about His character. But I recently, in sharing this with a friend, discovered theres a second half to this idea. After the rain, God and all His angels rejoice. Want to know why? They rejoice because they know what is to come. They know what God has in store for my life. They have a hope for a future that is sweet and right because they know God's heart for me. This doesn't mean that I rejoice after I cry, but when I acknowledge this truth in the midst of my pain I am filled with peace. I am comforted because of God's promise and His love that has no limit.
I am unsure of how to end this. I am so thankful for who God is. I am so thankful for God choosing to create me so that I could dwell in His creation. I am broken and okay with that. The point isn't to do life as best as possible...its to know Him and recieve all the beauty He has to offer. God is so good to us. I want to encourage anyone reading this to seek Him out. Ask Him to reveal His character to you. Invite Him into the life that He made for you. Let Him be that man that you need. He is perfect. Trust in Him because He knows how to love you best and desires to do just that.
HE IS HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH US.
