You Were Right...College is HARD.

So far my classes are easy. Actually fun I could say without refrain. What with my two art classes where I'm learning how to draw LINES...and my philosophy class where I've come to realize Plato was smart, but hey he IS actually human. Not God for sure. I thought maybe he'd appear pretty close to God on a level of magnificence but ahhaha not even a smidgen. And Women in Society is depressingly enlightening by helping me discover so much of my motive when I'm "getting pretty" each morning is because of the world's decision that we, as women, should wake up each day with the main goal of pleasing men, most blatently by wearing that which leaves NO MYSTERY to whats under our clothes or at least looking exceptionally beautiful every day...I can't imagine a morning that I dressed without at least an inkling of NEEDING to look positively attractive. On days that I "failed" (in my own book) I was not at all content with myself. Thanks world! Wondering......what God wants me to think as I dress in the morning??

My other classes not really worth mentioning.

But...like I said, college is hard. Its hard because each day I wake up to making coffee for myself...and NO ONE ELSE. And I generally walk to class with NO ONE ELSE. And well when I want a hug...when I need a hug...The truth is I can have coffee with a friend and the instant I walk out the door the first thing that hits me is that I am alone. When I was in highschool I could walk alone and for some reason never felt it. I felt independant and at the same time I often felt I was walking with God. But here, its like I'm starting from square one. I'm questioning EVERYTHING and the first thing is 'Is there something wrong with me because I'm so often alone'? I'm an introvert. I'm generally antisocial. I'm in college! I feel as if my lack of pursuing constant attention from anyone is being thrown in my face. Even now, I sit typing this to NO ONE and I am interrupted over and over by the people outside my windown having FUN. What do I do with that? Should I take that step and try to have fun? Or should I accept the way I desire to spend my time? I feel safe when I am alone. Though I do not feel happy. No one can judge me when I'm alone. I don't see prettier girls than me that make me feel bad about myself when I'm alone. But I feel ALONE. I know that is not as God intended.

My dad said its normal to feel alone when I'm starting college. It is a big step. I'm curious to find out when this lonliness and self doubt decides to dip.

For now I'll pray that God smothers my cynical mentality with the rain and the flowers and maybe even a real hug.

I'M HOLDING ON FOR THIS.

I'm holding on because God says he has plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future.
I'm holding on because LOVE IS PATIENT.
I'm holding on because God knows the deepest desires of my heart and promises to fulfill them. My deepest desires to be loved wholly have and will continue to be met...but here's the kicker. Here's where I just keep hitting that brick wall--I want to be loved wholly by a man. I want to feel strong arms wrapped around me each night when I fall asleep...I dream about that more than anything else. I'm not saying thats not possible but I can't promise my heart that that will for sure be my reality. God doesn't promise strong arms wrapped around me when I fall asleep. He promises He will never let me go, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that what I think about more is my husband one day saying that to me. I can count on my hand the number of times that I've really felt like that would happen for sure. The number of times I've melted at the possibility of not is far greater. I'm in one of those moments. It seems as if every one of my freinds has someone special and well I, for a handful of reasons, am alone right now.
The truth is, I don't care about being different from everyone else in that, but I feel like I've got no one to relate to now. The only person I'm really close to anymore is my dad and shit he's divorced. I've got enough reasons to feel absolutely hopeless. What I don't want is to chase after a boy to get rid of this feeling. I want to tackle it! I want to been content single, but not forever.
Haha its a bit of a mess. I guess most people know that by now. Love always seems catch us by surprise in the best and worst ways! In all reality, it is kind of epic. It is why we are here. So, well what I'm gonna do is wake up tomorrow and ask God to wrap his big arms around me and open my heart to all the beauty around me presently. Thats all I can do. As for the rest of my life...only God knows.