Nostalgiac & Oxen

"I am nostalgiac for something I've never had, somewhere I've never been, someone I do not know."

I can feel it in my core.

Might be the music?

Might be my heart feeling weak.

Might be the sun shining in my window which makes me depressed and chaotic inside.

I realized two huge things about myself last night.

1. It is worlds easier to let people and God love me when I feel pretty. Literally, when my face looks nice.

2. I do art to feel better about myself.

Not sure what to do with them...I thought I had figured it out.

I want to be pale, sickly, pathetic looking and feel completely beautiful and adored because God feels that way about me. Is that possible? Is it worth fighting to come to that place?

I want to make terrible art and be okay with it. What I want even more is to make art to please God, to express my heart, to know God and myself more through it. I seem to have forgotten how.

Here's a verse which in a silly fashion truly hit home in my heart today:

Proverbs 14:4 "Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crips come by the strength of the ox."

Pretty much we, as disciples of Christ, are oxen. We were made to harvest crops...but let us not forget that in doing so life will be a little messy. And that is okay. God told us that was inevitable. Thankyou God that I can follow you even though I am a mess. Thankyou that You know I will never keep my manger clean and still love me so deeply.