Nostalgiac & Oxen

"I am nostalgiac for something I've never had, somewhere I've never been, someone I do not know."

I can feel it in my core.

Might be the music?

Might be my heart feeling weak.

Might be the sun shining in my window which makes me depressed and chaotic inside.

I realized two huge things about myself last night.

1. It is worlds easier to let people and God love me when I feel pretty. Literally, when my face looks nice.

2. I do art to feel better about myself.

Not sure what to do with them...I thought I had figured it out.

I want to be pale, sickly, pathetic looking and feel completely beautiful and adored because God feels that way about me. Is that possible? Is it worth fighting to come to that place?

I want to make terrible art and be okay with it. What I want even more is to make art to please God, to express my heart, to know God and myself more through it. I seem to have forgotten how.

Here's a verse which in a silly fashion truly hit home in my heart today:

Proverbs 14:4 "Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crips come by the strength of the ox."

Pretty much we, as disciples of Christ, are oxen. We were made to harvest crops...but let us not forget that in doing so life will be a little messy. And that is okay. God told us that was inevitable. Thankyou God that I can follow you even though I am a mess. Thankyou that You know I will never keep my manger clean and still love me so deeply.

Its Been Awhile

I forgot about this blog.
I forgot about this outlet.
I was reminded :D.

Life's been so new, so raw, so damn hard and so epicly beautiful.
Bittersweet is my life. No better word to describe it.

Ahhh...and as I'm writing this, I've been interrupted. Let me share that my Grandmama is the most magnificent person I know. It is so true that beauty grows with time. Any time with her is always a little dose of heaven, of God's sweet love, of life as it should be. She just interrupted me to ask if there is anything she can do for me. Nobody does that. But thats what God intended for us. He made us so that He could say "Hey, my love, is there anything I can do for you?" "Is there any way I can love you more?" He sure knows the answer, but a persistent gentlemen He is. I guess I am just reminded of love as God intended when I'm blessed with my Grandmama's presence. I wish I could share her with the world. I know everyone would feel better. Even in this relationship I am reminded to, indeed, appreciate the gift, but acknowledge the giver. God made my Grandmama...how can that not be a testament to His awesome character, to His pure love, and to His desire to simply bless us.

But back to bittersweet, I suppose.

I'll start with the bad news and end with the good, eh?
So BITTTERRRR...
Since the last post my life seems to have crumbled. My parents, since about a couple weeks ago, are officially divorced. Though I always felt as if our home was blantantly broken, the making official of a divided home sucks a hunk of spirit out of me. One of my biggest fears has been formed by the "in my face awareness" that divorce happens to people that think they're following God's will. My parents got married, one for fear of being alone, and the other because of a sign that looked like God saying, "She's the one", and ignoring all the "No" signs after. It took 20 years to end something that I wish never started. I was born though, which is fun I guess. And my beautiful brother too...so divorce is the beginning of this story.
Believe it or not, it gets suckier...my dad reunited with the love of his life from college and within a couple months of dating is certain they will be married and heavely considering moving to flipping North Carolina. Yes, North Carolina. The EAST COAST. What, like 2000 miles away from his son and daughter...Good thing they granted me a guest room which pretty much indirectly says I am welcome, but it will never be my home. And I see no acknowledgement of sacrifice of me and Zach (my brother) in my father's new plans...ya bitter fits. So divorced parents, rejected by my Dad, and even more so feeling straight up replaced by his girlfriend's two kids. They're a few years younger than me so they need him more...So I am second. Or so it seems. So it feels for sure.
That being said you can assume miss Debbie Downer is a bit bitter.
Don't forget the growing anger towards her mother for sucking at being a mother. Literally, every psychology class I attend reveals more of what my mom was supposed to provide and DIDN'T. Which only emphasizes how much work I need to do on myself to correct all that was molded wrong in me. The biggest struggle I have been tackling now for years is my absolute lack of self worth. Until about a couple months ago I couldn't even register what "believing I mattered" looked like.
(Though I painted such a hopeless picture of my life I want to say that God is slowly growing me in grace and understanding towards both my parents. I can't say they are my favorite people right now but God has started this journey for me and I ask for prayer to keep moving forward in that.)

And I think this is where the SWEET joins the party.
I just recently learned how ones comes to truly adopt and live in the truth that they are significant. Its not in the skills they come to acquire, in the personality that draws everyones attention, or in the way they help others. No our self worth is learned through knowing God's character. It may seem simple to "know God's character", but after just learning an epic smidgen of His heart shows me how much I really didn't know. When I used to think of God I thought, well this guy that everyone revels about, that apparently knows my pain??, that could control anything that He wanted, and that loves us I guess. For a while He was the guy I ran to when I felt terrible and shared my heart with because I had been told He was listening. While all of those things are true, I did not fully believe any of them, nor know anything about the emotions that God felt towards me. Let me attempt to share what I've learned about God's sweet character. He made me so that He could love me. He took time and formed ME so that He could do nothing other than LOVE ME. And that is true of all His children. Its incomprehendable until you know that He is not inhibited by time. :D I learned that He created the Universe, all its ins and outs. God made flowers. Sweet, dainty, glorious flowers that smell good and make life more pleasant. He crafted those for little girls to put in their hair and husbands to give to their wives and widows and plant in their garden because flowers remind them of love. Every stinkin detail in nature, in humans, in the universe, in music, in the sun and the rain, He made that. Is He not the coolest artist there is? He made our crazy brains? He formed us in a way that allowed us to dream, to dance, to sing, to giggle, to love, and to cry because He knew the sadness would come. His creation is like the coolest care package you will ever get. Its a gift. Filled with beautiful people, experiences that leave us breathless, and really good coffee. God's got all the love languages, His gifts have most recently impacted me. Especially the people He's put in my life. Another gift is the Bible. Its like this story He wrote and gave to us and said "Hey, theres a lot to know, but if you want to know me you can read this." He wants us to know Him because He is fully aware of how awesome He is too. Because He's waiting for us to answer His question "Hey, my love, is there anything I can do for you?" But God knows that we have pain that flowers won't heal. Pain that fathers, brothers, best friends, and lovers can't heal. Jesus willingly experienced every aspect of pain, the whole scale, the worst of it. That is what makes me trust Him most. I can come to Him and He will say "I know honey, I was there. I know that pain. It hurts doesn't it." He will do that for us, He wants to. He wants so badly for us to let Him. For me to know Him in this light is how I've come to see how much I matter and why. Its the why thats humbling and sweet and right and true. I've been so thankful for God revealing these truths to me.

So sweet.

I recently came upon an idea that is totally poetic and frilly but I think its pretty real. Its brought me great comfort. More often than not my heart has been sorrowful. Sunny days always felt like the world trying to ignore my pain or tell me its not important. I've always hated sunny days. Rainy days, on the other hand, always so richly felt like all the angels in heaven crying with me. Rainy days was God saying "My girl, let me cry with you. My heart breaks when your heart breaks." That is true about His character. But I recently, in sharing this with a friend, discovered theres a second half to this idea. After the rain, God and all His angels rejoice. Want to know why? They rejoice because they know what is to come. They know what God has in store for my life. They have a hope for a future that is sweet and right because they know God's heart for me. This doesn't mean that I rejoice after I cry, but when I acknowledge this truth in the midst of my pain I am filled with peace. I am comforted because of God's promise and His love that has no limit.

I am unsure of how to end this. I am so thankful for who God is. I am so thankful for God choosing to create me so that I could dwell in His creation. I am broken and okay with that. The point isn't to do life as best as possible...its to know Him and recieve all the beauty He has to offer. God is so good to us. I want to encourage anyone reading this to seek Him out. Ask Him to reveal His character to you. Invite Him into the life that He made for you. Let Him be that man that you need. He is perfect. Trust in Him because He knows how to love you best and desires to do just that.

HE IS HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH US.

You Were Right...College is HARD.

So far my classes are easy. Actually fun I could say without refrain. What with my two art classes where I'm learning how to draw LINES...and my philosophy class where I've come to realize Plato was smart, but hey he IS actually human. Not God for sure. I thought maybe he'd appear pretty close to God on a level of magnificence but ahhaha not even a smidgen. And Women in Society is depressingly enlightening by helping me discover so much of my motive when I'm "getting pretty" each morning is because of the world's decision that we, as women, should wake up each day with the main goal of pleasing men, most blatently by wearing that which leaves NO MYSTERY to whats under our clothes or at least looking exceptionally beautiful every day...I can't imagine a morning that I dressed without at least an inkling of NEEDING to look positively attractive. On days that I "failed" (in my own book) I was not at all content with myself. Thanks world! Wondering......what God wants me to think as I dress in the morning??

My other classes not really worth mentioning.

But...like I said, college is hard. Its hard because each day I wake up to making coffee for myself...and NO ONE ELSE. And I generally walk to class with NO ONE ELSE. And well when I want a hug...when I need a hug...The truth is I can have coffee with a friend and the instant I walk out the door the first thing that hits me is that I am alone. When I was in highschool I could walk alone and for some reason never felt it. I felt independant and at the same time I often felt I was walking with God. But here, its like I'm starting from square one. I'm questioning EVERYTHING and the first thing is 'Is there something wrong with me because I'm so often alone'? I'm an introvert. I'm generally antisocial. I'm in college! I feel as if my lack of pursuing constant attention from anyone is being thrown in my face. Even now, I sit typing this to NO ONE and I am interrupted over and over by the people outside my windown having FUN. What do I do with that? Should I take that step and try to have fun? Or should I accept the way I desire to spend my time? I feel safe when I am alone. Though I do not feel happy. No one can judge me when I'm alone. I don't see prettier girls than me that make me feel bad about myself when I'm alone. But I feel ALONE. I know that is not as God intended.

My dad said its normal to feel alone when I'm starting college. It is a big step. I'm curious to find out when this lonliness and self doubt decides to dip.

For now I'll pray that God smothers my cynical mentality with the rain and the flowers and maybe even a real hug.

I'M HOLDING ON FOR THIS.

I'm holding on because God says he has plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future.
I'm holding on because LOVE IS PATIENT.
I'm holding on because God knows the deepest desires of my heart and promises to fulfill them. My deepest desires to be loved wholly have and will continue to be met...but here's the kicker. Here's where I just keep hitting that brick wall--I want to be loved wholly by a man. I want to feel strong arms wrapped around me each night when I fall asleep...I dream about that more than anything else. I'm not saying thats not possible but I can't promise my heart that that will for sure be my reality. God doesn't promise strong arms wrapped around me when I fall asleep. He promises He will never let me go, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that what I think about more is my husband one day saying that to me. I can count on my hand the number of times that I've really felt like that would happen for sure. The number of times I've melted at the possibility of not is far greater. I'm in one of those moments. It seems as if every one of my freinds has someone special and well I, for a handful of reasons, am alone right now.
The truth is, I don't care about being different from everyone else in that, but I feel like I've got no one to relate to now. The only person I'm really close to anymore is my dad and shit he's divorced. I've got enough reasons to feel absolutely hopeless. What I don't want is to chase after a boy to get rid of this feeling. I want to tackle it! I want to been content single, but not forever.
Haha its a bit of a mess. I guess most people know that by now. Love always seems catch us by surprise in the best and worst ways! In all reality, it is kind of epic. It is why we are here. So, well what I'm gonna do is wake up tomorrow and ask God to wrap his big arms around me and open my heart to all the beauty around me presently. Thats all I can do. As for the rest of my life...only God knows.

A New Venture...Exciting!

So I love art. Very much. And I do what I can with what random scraps I've accumulated and the junk my dad brings home from garage sales. I've done okay...but I don't want one of the most wonderful things in my life to just be okay! My aunt Judy is a fantastic artist up in Jerome and she let me come up and work with her all day yesterday. It was my gateway to a whole new spectrum of the art world. It was wonderful. We took my mediocre art and photoshopped it a pinch then printed some wonderful prints that I'm lining up to sell at Unlimited Coffee(Glendale and 7th Street). It was absolutely encouraging and exciting and ofcourse just fun cause my aunt is so amazing and my uncle Guy freaking hilarious as well.
So, indeed, my jump forward was a success...however, with greater aspirations for my art comes the need for a lotta something that I've got absolutely nothing of...money!!! I'll be able to scrape up enough to matt and frame the prints(hopefully) but my plan is to become fully independant with my production, meaning that I need to buy a good camera, a photo printer, a matt cutter, and all the little shananigans that come along with them. Lets just say I've already got about 1000 dollars of stuff lined up on my shopping list. INSANE!
So, I cross my fingers that people will fall in love with my art and just buy it all up:D I guess we'll just see...
For the four of you that read this blog spread the word that my art will be hanging up for the month of October at Unlimited Coffee(again Glendale and 7th Street) and its super dooper!

Road Trip up the Oregon Coast and so much more!

So I drank a lot of coffee tonight to get some reading done, and unlike the past few months, the caffeine actually gave me some energy. Consequently, I can't sleep. But its alright because I've got stuff to share and now time to share it.
I'm in Portland, Oregon at my uncle's house and will be leaving tomorrow to go home. I'm ready! The past week has been a week of roughing it all along the majestic Oregon coast with my dad. One of my best friends he is. We had been planning the trip all summer and I, along with many others who love me and know my life right now, had been praying for a rejuvenating, growing, relaxing, and beautiful trip for me and my dad. And me being the freak that I am tried so hard for that to happen the whole week! Doing so I stifled any possibility of letting beauty unfold...that is of course until I threw in my cards and, in my heart and mind, shouted, "I GIVE UP!" And as it should be, thats when the beauty occurred. The act of removing myself from the controlling position gave myself the chance to finally let down, to talk and talk about all thats going on in my heart and have sweet fellowship with my dad. It allowed me to laugh till I was crying with him. It allowed me to have a good cry as well which I always desire. All that I wanted for this trip happened in the last two days of it when I decided to stop trying. I learned that life is not always about trying your hardest, its about throwing in your cards sometimes and letting God take care of what matters.
In the past week and especially last two days I have learned so much more about my dad's beautifully goofy personality and his strength in God's truth that just astounded me. I have for the first time in months truly took a deep breath and RELAXED. I have discovered more about myself. I have seen how flipping huge God is in the 1000 miles of our trek in such beautiful country. At this very moment I am not depressed which is HUGE. So thanks God!
Needless to say, I am the epitome of an emotional rollercoaster, but right now I am at the top and I feel free! and I am so thankful for it and only pray that I can remember the beautiful truth that this trip showed me that God really is in control and He really really does care...and even more that angels are fighting for me too. How wild and so absolutely comforting!
GOD IS SO GOOD.

A New Journey

Most journeys start intentionally. Forming as a dream and turning into reality. Mine came without any say and the first billion steps filled with pain. This journey officially started on May 1, 2009 when my mom moved out. My parents finally decided to get seperated and hopefully get healthy. Since then its been an hourly rollercoaster of emotion. Don't get me wrong, I know in my heart this is the right move but that doesn't make the transition from living with two people who are there to shelter me to one person now attempting to play every role necessary. I'm amazed at how well he's held it together, though like every single other person on this planet, he's still human. A few days ago, lets just say the house was a mess, and there was virtually nothing left to eat in the fridge. One thing I hate is a messy environment. One thing I love is food. As petty as it sounds, things like that are part of what makes a child feel taken care of. And I didn't feel so taken care of.
Thankfully me and my dad have a very open relationship and I was able to let him know how I felt with no reservations. Since then, we've made a list of chores, gone grocery shopping, and started dreaming about a more healthy environment and how we can achieve that together. We are a team. One of my favorite things that we've been doing lately is cooking dinner together. We're both a little creative and a little weird so our creations have brought some color and some fun spent together.
We still have a handful of spats at eachother every day but we both are trying and leaning on God and thats all that matters. I am so thankful for him but we both need to remember, I'm just a kid!